Going Back to Work {kicking and screaming}

As the prospect of going back to work encroaches closer and closer I find myself becoming deeply entrenched in self-doubt. After all, the phrase “going back to work” implies that you have somewhere in the professional world to go back to. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past six years and by the business world’s standpoint, I am not a professional at anything. I’ve never gotten far enough in a job or career to be considered a professional. When most people were graduating college and beginning internships or their first jobs I had just finished breastfeeding and was getting a divorce. After I got back on my feet the economy decided to take a huge crap. At the time no one was getting their hair done often enough for me to build a viable clientele base and make ends meet for me and my daughter so, I went into administration. My brain is not built for being an executive assistant, tiny minute details are not something that my brain likes to remember (I’m more of a big picture kind of girl) and clerical organization is what I imagine hell is like but at the time I was 24 and considered a “hot girl” so that got me a pretty good admin job. At the same time, I went back to school to finish my degree. When the company went belly up I applied somewhere else at a similar company. When that company went belly up I got discouraged because I was never anywhere long enough to really become a professional at anything. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past six years and that is the longest I’ve consistently done a quote-unquote job. Although I finished my bachelor’s degree in 2013, none of the skills that I have acquired doing this job as a “mom” is something I can I put on a resume. Well, nothing that would be taken seriously anyway.

I imagine my interview would go something like this:

What is your objective?
I’m sorry I thought that was obvious, shall I spell it? E-m-p-l-o-y-m-e-n-t

How fast you type?
Well, I have no idea but I can diffuse a toddler’s tantrum in 0.8 seconds flat.

Are you bilingual? We prefer someone that is bilingual.
Yes, I am proficient in four languages English, hysterical toddler, sarcastic banter and cranky tweenager.

Do you work well under stress?
Please define well? Well as to appearing human or well as to no one has died?

Are you a team player?
I’m MVP 12 years running. Next question.

Is there anything else that we should know about you?
No, because that would mean I would have to keep talking to you and talking to you means I’m talking to a person I don’t know and I don’t really like talking to people I don’t know, actually I don’t really like talking in general. I like to write things, and write people and make up stories in my head. Oh dear, did I just lose my chance I getting this job because my mild case of lunacy peeked through? Darn, have fun sitting in that blasted cubicle while you do worky things. I have to go home and fold 1200 pounds of laundry while I cook a dinner that everyone will complain about eating.

As much as I would like to completely be myself at a job interview I fear that I must send my ambassador; the polished, savvy, more legitimate, adulting version of myself. I fear that I won’t do both my job as a mom and my “professional world” job well and I will be spread too thin. I fear that my children will suffer from decreased accessibility to me. I fear that I will want to punch my husband in the face for no good reason when I am feeling stressed out. I fear that the “me” that I really am will become buried by the “me” that I’m supposed to be. As a single income family, it has been hard to make ends meet so I must to what I can to contribute financially even if it means being someone else for awhile. Which I will have to do but only until the literary world recognizes my storytelling brilliance and Ellie Bixby becomes a household name.
That’s all for now. 

Xo,

Lauren

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